Happy Easter and enjoy this tribute to Bulgakov.
The House Committee Chair
Characters:
POPOV, the House Committee Chair
MAKSUDOV, a writer
ANNUSHKA, his aging neighbor
Her Son, MIKHAIL
PREOBRAZEHNSKY, a doctor
SHARIKOV, his patient
PERSIKOV, a zoologist
REIN, an inventor
ZOYA, a dressmaker
KOROVYOV, a foreign magician’s translator
A CAT, much larger than a hog
The room of House Committee Chair POPOV is dimly lit. There is a divan on one side of the room where he lying down, MAKSUDOV sits on the chair at the desk with a neat filing column next to it. There is a green shaded lamp on the desk. On top of the column is a bottle of vodka. A phone is near the door and the half window looks into the alley beside the building. From his wall can be heard the screaming of his neighbor, ANNUSHKA.
POPOV Well, here we are again, my friend.
MAKSUDOV (clicking the lamp switch which seems to be broken) I have a lamp just like this one upstairs at my own writing table.
POPOV They are a nice thing to have around, except I don’t seem to have any light bulbs. What good is a lamp without light bulbs. (looking at the ceiling) I suppose you have many nice things up there. It must be nice to be able to sit in your studies undisturbed with your thoughts, creating art. Art of ideas, no less. You don’t know how good you have it, my friend.
MAKSUDOV You don’t understand. I am supposed to be writing, but I spend most of the day looking at the window, stroking my aching temples.
POPOV I wish I had a proper window to look out of, even to just daydream.
MAKSUDOV But I am not even looking out of the window, I am staring at my reflection. I can’t seem to look past it. Why I am such a person with some many problems?
POPOV It is true what they say: If there is a person, there is a problem.
MAKSUDOV True enough, true enough. Still…
POPOV Still, I wish I had a proper window. One on the third, no, fifth floor. At least then I would have the comfort in knowing I could climb out of it and know, for certain, that the fall would be fatal.
MAKSUDOV Yes, we all have our comforts, still...
(Banging on the door during the following: POPOV slowly rises from the divan, stretches, walks to the window and looks out, goes to the phone and picks up the receiver and sets it down again, and finally stands next to the door.)
POPOV (rankled) Yes?
ANNUSHKA Chairman Popov!
POPOV Yes?
ANNUSHKA Chairman Popov! Please!
POPOV What is it you want?
ANNUSHKA It’s my son! My son!
POPOV (muttering) Yes, I know.
ANNUSHKA Please, Chairman, open the door.
POPOV (unlocks the door and ANNUSHKA pushes her way in) Be my guest…
ANNUSHKA Do you know what has been going on in this very building?
POPOV Hmm? (MAKSUDOV fumbles at the desk for a moment, stands up and gives POPOV a knowing nod as he slips out of the room.)
ANNUSHKA Have you seen Mikhail today? It’s shameful. Shameful. How could he do such things! And with that rascal, that awful, that despicable, that, that…
POPOV Yes?
ANNUSHKA That Sharikov! From upstairs! He’s mad!
POPOV (coyly) Why? What have you done?
ANNUSHKA (desperately) Me? I have done nothing but work and care for my son, the gentle boy. I have a difficult life, as you know, I could tell stories that would make you weep. And my son, the simple boy, has fallen under the influence of that, that, that … Sharikov. You must do something!
POPOV (uninterested) I must? You are his mother.
ANNUSHKA But he is in my rooms and will not leave. He’s drunk, he made advances on me (glancing around and whispers) I am not even sure if he is properly human…
POPOV (suddenly excited) Did you say from upstairs?
ANNUSHKA (eagerly) Yes, yes.
POPOV (goes to his files) Where upstairs?
ANNUSHKA Up the stairs, up the stairs!
POPOV (frazzled) What apartment? I am not aware of any Sharikov. Why have I not seen his papers? When did he move in? Who is he staying with? (stops) You say he’s in your room right now?
ANNUSHKA Yes, yes.
POPOV Bring him here.
ANNUSHKA (goes to the wall and yells) Mikhail! Mikhail! Get over here! Now!
POPOV (muttering) I could have done that…
MIKHAIL (at the door) What?
POPOV That was quick.
ANNUSHKA Where is that awful Sharikov?
POPOV Where is this new friend of yours and where is he from?
MIKHAIL What’s the problem?
POPOV Is he staying here without registering?
MIKHAIL What business is that of mine?
POPOV It is my business to know these things. I have files to maintain. Where is this Sharikov?
SHARIKOV (popping out from behind MIKHAIL, startling ANNUSHKA who faints behind POPOV onto the divan) Listen, comrade Chairman, I am the one you are looking for, you devil, so leave my good friend here alone and say what you want to me.
POPOV Let me see your papers.
SHARIKOV They are upstairs with that bastard Philip Philipovich.
POPOV Professor Preobrazehnsky?
SHARIKOV My dad.
POPOV I need to speak with him, immediately. (picks up phone and holds it toward SHARIKOV) Call him down here.
SHARIKOV I don’t know the number.
POPOV You’re a slippery one, aren’t you?
SHARIKOV You can’t pull a fish out of the water without work.
POPOV I’ll call then. (bumbles with phone) Hello, yes. I have a Sharikov down here and he is refusing me papers and says he is the professor’s son and... Mm. Mm. Mm. Really. Really. Mm. Mm. You don’t say. Well this won’t do. You don’t say. Mm. Really. Really! Fine. I’ll see you in a moment then.
SHARIKOV Well, then, now that that is settled, I’ll be on my way.
POPOV Not so fast.
PREOBRAZEHNSKY (appears behind SHARIKOV and grabs him) Scoundrel! There you are!
SHARIKOV Ahh! See the abuse, the abuse! Unhand me, you wretched maniac.
PREOBRAZEHNSKY Come with me. See all the trouble you have caused? You were not to leave the apartment under any circumstance.
POPOV Professor. I wouldn’t be doing my duty as Chairman if I did not ask: Why have you not registered your son with the House Committee?
PREOBRAZEHNSKY The devil! He is not my son.
POPOV He claims you are his father.
PREOBRAZEHNSKY Nonsense. He is a monster, not even half a man. And certainly not my son.
POPOV Regardless. All tenants need to be registered with the Committee.
PREOBRAZEHNSKY Don’t worry about him. (PREOBRAZEHNSKY narrows his eyes at SHARIKOV) He will be gone soon enough.
SHARIKOV Threats! And in front of witnesses! Father!
PREOBRAZEHNSKY I am not your father!
POPOV There are rules around here, professor. You are not exempt. No one is exempt. Not even under threats of death.
PREOBRAZEHNSKY And then what of the croaking?
POPOV Not even the dead— Wait… what croaking?
(aside) SHARIKOV (to MIKHAIL) Look here. Vodka. (MIKHAIL slips it under his shirt and they make their way to the door unnoticed)
PREOBRAZEHNSKY The croaking from those frogs. Are those frogs registered with the House Committee?
POPOV What frogs?
PREOBRAZEHNSKY (Puffing up his chest and pointing) Do not feign ignorance with me. It is unbecoming.
POPOV So is harboring unregistered rascals in your rooms, son or not.
PREOBRAZEHNSKY What do you plan to do about the croaking?
POPOV Where is it coming from?
PREOBRAZEHNSKY It comes from Persikov’s every night. The choir of a thousand toads! Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit!
POPOV I see. Have a seat and I will call him.
PREOBRAZEHNSKY (Plops down next to ANNUSHKA, very pleased with himself) That’s it. That’s a Chairman doing his duty.
POPOV (with restrained offense) On second thought, leave. (picks up the phone)
PREOBRAZEHNSKY (stands up indignantly) I have better things to do. (storms out the door, slamming it)
POPOV (sticks his tongue out at PREOBRAZEHNSKY as he leaves) Goose for brains. (into phone) No, sorry, not you. Um, may I speak with – (knock at the door) hold on a second would you please. (opens the door to PERSIKOV)
PERSIKOV I really must have a word with you, Chairman.
POPOV (to himself) That’s strange… (hangs up the phone)
PERSIKOV You would not believe the racket coming from the rooms next to mine!
POPOV That’s strange, I was just calling you.
PERSIKOV (ignoring POPOV) It sounds like a thousand cuckoo clocks chiming at once. And a whirlwind as if the entire room was sudden sucked clear of air! And bells. Unbelievable bells.
POPOV And frogs?
PERSIKOV (looks away suddenly) Frogs you say? I know nothing about rapidly growing frogs…
POPOV And croaking? A choir of a thousand toads?
PERSIKOV Um, no, it's more like a wall being torn down and... And I swear I heard some archaic grammar! It’s intolerable. Hey-ho, Hey-ho! Thee, Thine. Do you understand?
POPOV (incredulously) Archaic grammar? Hm. Really.
PERSIKOV What do you plan to do about it?
POPOV About bad grammar? I am afraid there is no magic ray to cure that ill. And the frogs?
PERSIKOV Yes, I admit, the frogs will be gone soon. Soon! But the clocks! The bells! The Hey-Ho, Hey-Ho! It must end!
POPOV Let me call him… (PERSIKOV is elated, does a little hop and runs out the door) …but on second thought… why don’t I just go up there and – (a knock at the door)
REIN (Poking his head in through the open door) You know I am a busy man, Chairman.
POPOV (puzzled that REIN is where PERSIKOV was) Who isn’t?
REIN I have my work! I don’t have time for this nonsense. No time!
POPOV (waving his hand dismissively) Yes, your great invention, I know, I know.
REIN But these idlers! These idlers! If it’s not one thing it is another.
POPOV Yes, and shouldn’t you be working now?
REIN I would, but I can’t. You see next door –
POPOV Frogs?
REIN Frogs, no. I am certain there are ladies of evening next door, if you know what I mean.
POPOV And what makes you suspect that?
REIN Well, my wall, you see… it, um, well… my wall, it…
POPOV Remind me. What rooms are next to yours?
REIN Thank you, Chairman, thank you. (bolts for the door)
POPOV (buries his face in his hands) Why me?
(ZOYA appears when his eyes are covered)
ZOYA Chairman!
POPOV (startled) What?
ZOYA Chairman, I must protest.
POPOV Protest what, Madame?
ZOYA Walking up the stairs just now, I passed a cat bigger than a hog. He was dressed to the nines! What do you make of it?
POPOV I hear you are making more than dresses in your rooms.
ZOYA Come and see for yourself, Chairman.
POPOV Wait. Did you say bigger than a hog?
ZOYA (spreading her arms wide) Much, much bigger.
POPOV Was it coming or going?
ZOYA Would I be concerned if it was going? It was heading for number 50.
POPOV (unnerved) No. 50? Not so bad. It’s sealed.
ZOYA Sealed? But there has been some very mysterious comings and goings from there.
POPOV Some would say the same about your place.
ZOYA There is nothing mysterious about my rooms, I assure you. What goes on in there has been going on since the beginning of time. But cats that stroll by and tip their hat to you, that is strange.
POPOV Stroll? Hat?
ZOYA (impatiently) Yes, on two feet! On his head!
POPOV That’s it. That’s it. I am going up there.
ZOYA Thank you, Chairman, thank you. I am much obliged. I just can’t have devil cats walking around the building. Its bad for business. (blows kisses on her way out the door)
POPOV Certainly. I am sure… (turns around and KOROVYOV is standing in the room)
KOROVYOV Sure of what?
POPOV Ah!
KOROVYOV Usually I am greeted more cordially. But if this is the local custom: Ah!
POPOV Ah!
KOROVYOV I’ll forego these formalities, if you please, I understand you have a few questions for Messier. Allow me to set the record straight. No one is coming and going from apartment 50, no one is living in apartment 50, there are no enormous black cats partaking in gentlemanly courtesies on the stairs, and absolutely no one needs to go upstairs to make sure. If I were you, I would be more worried about that Maksudov who recently stole a gun from a friend of his. He could do some real damage you know. What, with how unstable a fellow like that is. Writers, you know. The devil with them, I say. What are they good for? Have you read anything of substance lately? I mean something contemporary. I know a gentleman as refined as yourself has read all the necessary classics, that is understood, Chairman. After all, how would a man rise to your position if he didn’t have a firm grasp on the subtleties of Western Culture? He wouldn’t, would he? I know what you are going to say, and stop right there. There is no need to return any compliments, really. But you know what they say: A host should thank his guests. Regardless, Messier extends his thanks anyway. And don’t forget about our friend Maksudov. He really is in need of help. (The phone rings and POPOV turns vacantly to answer the phone)
POPOV (KOROVYOV sinks into the ground) I must get the phone, excuse me. (POPOV turns around to see KOROVYOV gone) Excuse… (shakes his head, rubs his eyes and answers the phone) Yes, hello. Speaking. Um, yes. Certainly. Thank you, Messier. I will keep it in mind… yes, always. (hangs up the phone)
ANNUSHKA (stirs on the divan and sits up) Chairman, I have been having the strangest dreams…
POPOV Have you now? Perhaps you should go home and rest. See how your boy is doing.
ANNUSHKA Yes, yes. You are right. My boy, he must be home by now. Hopefully that awful Sharikov is gone and I don’t have to worry about any more drunken raucous. I would hate for something terrible to happen to him.
POPOV Maksudov!
ANNUSHKA What?
POPOV I have to check on Maksudov. Excuse me, Annushka. (He swings open the door and KOROVYOV is standing next to a cat that is much, much larger than a hog and together they are holding the limp body of MAKSUDOV.) Ah!
KOROVYOV Come, now, comrade, let’s not start with that again. Besides, your friend here isn’t feeling well.
THE CAT He seems to have tried to get rid of his headache in the most peculiar way.
ANNUSHKA He’s the writer from upstairs! Your friend…
POPOV …my friend, you had it so good with your lamp and your window upstairs. (Glancing upwards) Window…